| i live and i learn and i'll give till the day i burn. i'll wait my turn for this. i will sit in this classroom 'till i learn. you've got to learn to dig and be dug in return.
i've released too much to save us from ourselves.
was i too soft for the harder parts or the darker parts of you? or was i too sad?
darryl:
i'm going to need some time from when you kick me down to get back up around. i'm going to need a hand if i'm going to stand with my feet flat on the ground.
we all take out a part of us, social cause or not. how can we take our souls apart? i don't care what you say here, i've got no place here. save some soul for me. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | well it took... january to mid-may... 4.5 months? to get here. but i'm burned out again. apparently i can't handle it all. my classes will suffer, they've already begun to do so. and i don't care. and that's the true sign of it, my friends. i don't remember what i have to look forward to. graduation is... something. but it brings with it a lot more questions and uncertainties than the opposites. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| oh my sweet lord. i just saw a commercial for garmin. and it was in the taste of an episode of the power rangers.
that was so uncool.
or possibly very. damn, i hate when advertisements are clever. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| last night everyone talked about inner demons without actually talking about their inner demons. it was for just a moment, but i could feel that all the pieces were in place but still no one wanted to play the game.
or maybe we were playing a game. i don't know why people do this. for years i've felt ashamed or even just sad that no one seems to ask when i lay out the pieces for my own game... and yet there i sat last night, ignoring it the same way everyone else does.. did... will do.
people, we've got to start opening the boxes. we are here to help each other open those boxes. when did we forget that? how could i have understood that so much better when i was so much younger? i'll help you open yrs if you help me open mine. i feel like it's bursting at the seams sometimes when really... it just feels heavier when i don't look at it. i'm looking at it a lot lately and i'm proud of myself. for the first time in my life i don't have anyone that i can talk about it with. so i need someone to come out from the woodworks to play the game. set up the pieces. help me open the box. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | i just slept for nearly 11 hours. that was definitely nearly everything that i needed in order to make my world better. what contributed, i finally found the sandals that i've been looking for in the price range i need. more satisfyingly, it was in person and it was from a store i frequent but had never purchased anything from. and that always feels good. i'm on the road to recovery. yay. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | "why bother?" - weezer pinkerton | | Time: | 01:28 pm | | Current Mood: | defeated |
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| i've been thikning a lot about relationships lately. duh. my friend last night said something like, "well i guess someone thinks he's cute, he does have a girlfriend." and it kind of made me think, 'well, i don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend but that doesn't have anything to do with whether i'm cute or not.' ofcourse the self-doubt comes in and questions that but i know in my heart of hearts that that is not true.
i've been thikning about what i want from a relationship. and who i want to be in that relationship not only in terms of what kind of identity do i want to retain and obtain but also what kind of role do i want to play. my last relationship was good for me in a lot of ways. unfortunately, a lot of them were painful ways. i learned what kind of role i do not want to play. and it helped me to see more clearly what kind of qualities i need in a partner. this is never about right/wrong or good/bad. just people. and needs.
i feel like a chapter in my life has just closed. i suppose it's good timing, what with graduation and all. it's a huge chapter. from where i'm sitting, it's the largest chapter in my book. there's a part of me, that is not so little, that doesn't want to open another one. i want to float (like an unassociated feature [okay, sorry, i just got out of my phono midterm]) in this space where the page has turned (and its backside is blank, that is to say no longer serving as a source of information) and there is a page before me that has yet to turn. i havn't even turned, myself, to look at it. i don't want to. i'm afraid to read what is on that page. i feel so confident that i already know what is on its other side that i don't want to even bother. can't i just float here for a while?
"why bother? it's going to hurt me. it's going to kill when you desert me. this happened to me twice before. it won't happen to me anymore."
this is all good and dramatic. i promise this is all coming from a calm voice. and we all know that i'll be bouncing all over the place the next time someone interesting expresses interest in me. i'm afraid the anger i still hold, which is directed at myself, will impose. i officially have baggage. i thought i had baggage before. i didn't know nothin'. ironically, not knowing is what's gotten me the real baggage in the end. i know more things now, and i know that i'm afraid. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 07:01 pm | | Current Mood: | blindsided |
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| | okay so. uhm. somehow. for some reason. uhm. the univeristy (or maybe the feds?) just gave me $2700. uhm. but. uhm. but i'm broke. people who are broke aren't just given money. uhm. | | comments: 14 comments or Leave a comment |
| omg i hate wells fargo
i used to be a big supporter cause they'd treated me well. but ever since i started using my credit card it's been a headache. and the customer service is hit or miss.
i'm moving my accounts to usaa which had better be worth it.
today hoda asked me if i wanted to go to berkeley with her and i said yes. i love having someone in my life that not only offers things to do where we just pick up and go but offers things that i want to drop everything to do! not that i had anything planned for today after class or this evening. so i could go. but that's not the point. driving to berkeley was fun. and seeing the play and meeting her friends was fun. and driving back was fun too. we talked about relationships and friends and boys and girls and linguistics. oh god, linguistics. then we hadn't had enough so we went to lulu's and worked on linguistics where we could draw trees with our utencils. pens! that's what i meant!
i drew the biggest fucking tree i've ever drawn. i mean that literally, not figuratively.
i'm spotting and i don't know why. uteri are the worst thing that's ever happened. (omg, is it because i've been spending a lot of time with hoda...?)
i found out last night (omg was that this morning? i think it was, wow) that soulive is playing in sf!!!!! then i found out that it's sold out already!!!!! i just checked ebay and craigslist and no one is scalping tickets yet. hoda even said she'd come with eventhough she (thinks she) hates jazz.
i think why is a complementizer. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| one of the guys i work with brings a stereo which he plugs in as frequently as possible in order to listen to the same radio station play the same songs over and over night after night. now i remember why i stopped listening to the radio.
the same guy yelled at a customer today and turned to me for support. it's hard to pretend like you can't hear the large man talking to you.
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a woman came to the counter yesterday (sunday) with a severely swollen eye and temple. it seemed the whole upper right corner of her face was black and blue. all i could hear in my head was not the sound of the slicer or the sink hose or of my coworker at the counter getting details for the sandwich they were making. the only thing i could hear was kim's voice. "you should have asked"
kim was an advocate at walnut avenue. she is amazing. she was a really great advocate. she inspired everyone and anyone who was blessed by her CO2. she was so hard and tough and rugged and vulnerable. she is exactly what everyone needs. she told us a story about this one day she went to the grocery store... i can't remember the exact details but somehow she had gotten a black eye. i think she fell. it was something innocent like that. but, apparently, she looked like hell. or that someone had beat her to hell. so she's faced with having to go to the store but decides she can't let this wound keep her from doing her errands, in fact she hardly thinks twice about it because she's kim and she's amazing. as she's shopping she notices that everyone in the store is looking at her, as coyly as possible. she's shopping for like half an hour. she goes from one end of the store to the next and everyone is looking at her, in horror. she finally gets to the front of the store, getting ready to check out, when she is finally fed up. two women are staring at her from behind their magazines (or somesuch scenario) and she says, sternly, "i fell. my boyfriend did not beat me. but you should have asked."
so, i asked this woman how she had hurt herself and she told me that she fell. she told me the whole story. i was skeptical, naturally. but i tried to not be judgemental in the way that i showed it. she told me that her boyfriend had not hit her. i said, "that's good. i'm glad he didn't. i worked at the women's center for a long time and i was hoping that that wasn't the case for you." and she said, "oh really? wow. well, no, he didn't hit me. but we have been fighting a lot. we are breaking up. but this isn't from him." i believe her. and i was glad she was comfortable talking to me about it. i hoped she could see that she could have told me the truth if there were more truth to tell.
she went on to tell me about an amazing place that she had worked at: a rehabilitation/detention center. and she was knee-deep in a very interesting story about what she saw and experienced and felt there when one of my coworkers asked me, very rudely, to make a sandwich. i could tell this was his way to get me to stop talking to this woman and get back to work. i couldn't help but feel that what i was doing was more important than what the three of them were doing and, besides, they had things under control. but that's okay, it had been long enough. that's okay. well surprise of surprises there isn't a sandwich to make and i lean against the table. he walks up and leans on the table next to me and asks, "did you know that woman?" and i said, "no. no i didn't." i'm thinking to myself, 'i'm actually just that compassionate...' when he says, "i kind of do and she's one of those that'll keep you talking for hours." i thought to myself, 'that's probably true. but i want to spend the rest of my life doing it anyhow.'
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there's a cute boy that works in a different department that i can't help but find very attractive. i found myself stealing moments to look over at him tonight and then snapping myself out of it to get back to work. i found myself looking forward to the point where he comes to our department to close down the register. i found myself wishing i wasn't acting so strangely. i remember crouching on the floor, waiting for the big sinks to drain and looking down the hallway towards his counter and willing him to come to my counter. i found myself relishing and reliving that weird moment when he came to our counter and stood across from me:
i didn't realize it was him at first, i only felt like there was someone around so i asked him if he needed help before i recognized that he was an employee. he seemed to be looking at me, or the clock, which was right above me. i'm not sure. but he definitely looked at me for a while (it felt like years) before he told me that he just had time to waste. (that's what i seem to remember: everything is blown out of proportion in my memory.)
it was that memory i was reliving while i was crouched on the floor willing him to walk back over. then i noticed that i began to do something i've never done before.
see, i've always loved meeting new boys. i've always loved the terror of not knowing whatthefuck is going to happen next. i've always loved it because it's always come out well. even if it didn't seem to, like when i got cheated on or when i found myself screaming and crying in the street. but, in hindsight, everything came out well because i'd done the best i could and experienced something amazing.
but tonight, i talked myself down. i told myself (this is what killed immediately after), "no no, let him go. i'm sure there's something hugely wrong with him or that he has some quality that is hugely offensive to yr personality. or something. there's got to be something. let him go. forget about him."
i don't want to be this girl. i don't want to be too cynical to have relationships. i don't want to still be this hurt from my last one. i need to come to grips with the fact that i did as well as i could in that one and in the one that left me in the street screaming and in the one that left me for a lesbian. why can't i see that? it seems that i feel that, now, i am no longer a good navigator. i think it's that i don't have enough faith in myself to allow myself to have another relationship. this really scares me. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| nolan wasn't online for me to tell him this directly, so i'll just tell all of you and i knew a few will get a kick out of it as well.
i have a few tshirts that i've had for years and have been given by friends. they have pitstains. it's not okay. i don't wear them anymore for this reason. but that's really not okay. especially if you note that one is my very very first jonah shirt and the other is an ancient LGS shirt that natalie's sister bought at one of their shows, wore it for a few years and gave to natalie. it was at this point that my whole world revolved around stealing that tshirt but i didn't have to... for my 16th birthday (i believe..?) she gave it to me! but... i stopped wearing it a long time ago because it's disgusting. le sigh...
after a breakthrough conversation with annette, i decided i would need to mend these shirts. some of them i can simply cut the sleeves off... but the LGS shirt has capped sleeves and i'd hate to throw them away. so i think i will cut the sleeves off and then sew the caps back on?
anyway, so the point of all of this, is that i was, just a few minutes ago, mending my ancient OLD shirt with nolan's subject to flooding playing on my stereo. while i didn't have this disc in high school it felt so High School to be listening to esteemed sacramento musician's awesome disc and mending clothes of other great musicians. yay. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| so...
yesterday i had a steak and shrimp quesadilla at the tiny mexican restaurant at the metro center. it was really good.
i rode the 4 home instead of the 35, like i usually do. i don't think i've ridden the 4 before, but i might have back sophomore year when i was really big on riding all the routes i don't usually ride. i still want to do that i just have better ways to fill my time now? *cough*sexandthecity*cough*
today i rode the 31 home instead of the 35 which i have definitely never ridden before.
as i approached my apartment complex a policeman in full armor (not really armor, but like, bulletproof jackets and whatnot) was walking down the walkway and asked me what apartment i was going to. he said it was beautiful that it wasn't the unit they were interested in. i wonder if they're interested in the unit that smokes pot. i sure hope it's not the family for domestic violence.
last night i finished my phono paper eventhough it's not due until tomorrow. i did this because i also have a syntax (II!) paper due and i didn't want to have to be working on them both today/tonight cause we all know i'm up until 4a just working on syntax. but today hoda and i got together after section and before i had to go to work (which is in 45 minutes from now) to iron out the analysis for the syntax hmwk. we left earlier than we needed to because... we were done. and i don't have any questions. and i totally understand how to do it. and... is the world coming to an end? i know this will fade because he'll introduce another transformation or concept of somesort and our brains will explode again but, still!
ALL of my visits have been terminated or cancelled indefinitely. i'm thinking about hauling ass out of town tomorrow to see social distortion in fresno at 9pm (10?). then i could see the fam this weekend and not have to worry abotu getting my visits covered. though i technically don't have to worry about that in two weeks either but i told safe connections that if anyone wants to toss me a family i'm wide open, so i *could* have a visit to get covered. hmmm...
jonah is playing in sf monday night. at the adobe bookstore. let's go, kay? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | it's just after midnight and i just got home from lulu's. i finished my hmwk about a half an hour ago. FINISHED BEFORE MIDNIGHT?!?! yep, the world is ending. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| wow, it's my birthday.
i don't have the time or the energy to do the nyc post yet, that'll be tomorrow.
awwwe, my sister just called me to say happy birthday, how cute is that?
i can't believe it's been a whole year already that ian and i have been broken up. unbelievable.
if anyone wants to tell me really quick how to do lj cuts then i'll try to do that for the nyc post... it's going to be long.
also i think i want to put the pictrs on flickr and not thefacebook (both?...) cause not everyone has access to thefacebook. speaking of which, thefacebook wished me a happy birthday and that's really cool. especially since last year it didn't even tell anyone it was my birthday.
omg, it's my birthday? | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | portishead - nobody loves me | | Time: | 04:49 am | | Current Mood: | pathetic! |
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| | omg i just found out that studio 60 has been cancelled. my heart is broken. a part of me has died. i am so sad. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | social distortion - white light, white heat, white trash (al | | Time: | 02:02 pm |
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| Crumb - Seconds, Minutes, Hours - Overboard
It was the scene of the crime
The crime of the century
The typewriter is silent
It's been that way for weeks
I move back and forth
I'm over me
I know you're wrong
And for a change I'm right
You're my getaway driver, let's play
Cause I'm down and out and overboard
Drag me in
And it's two o'clock the lights are dim
Pull me in
Nighttime is the right time
While your parents sleep
Pack your bags and meet me on the front lawn
Tiptoe out to me
So close the car door and turn the key
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i really just like the second and third chunks. i wish i could convey with the keyboard how good it sounds. you'll just have to listen to it, won't you?
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Creeper Lagoon - Take Back the Universe and Give me Yesterday - Wrecking Ball
is a good sounding song.
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there's one teeny dot on my screen that is off-color and the first several times i noticed it i thought it was a small water droplet. but when i went to wipe it off it didn't wipe away. i know it's dumb that it took me several different wipes to finally get it into my head. oh well. so i think my screen is slowly begining to go bad? i don't think i'll do anything about it unless it gets worse.
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oh man nikki and heather and i went to the dive bar last night and played pool and i had a GREAT time. i don't think heather and nikki enjoyed it as much as i did cause i probably dominated the table too much. but we played two games and both the girls sank quite a few balls and omg nikki and heather were much more inebriated than any of us thought they were, haha. i really miss playing pool. i wonder if that's the only pool table in town?
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friday night i fell asleep thinking horrible things: sometimes i think that i may not wake up in the morning and it makes me want to give and get big hugs. clearly i did wake up on saturday, so that was good.
"you can't save someone from death but you can love them while they're dyin'"
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mike ness and i have the same birthday so, really, that should mean that i can get into a social d show for free, right? i think so, too. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | "watering ghost garden" (album) - creeper lagoon | | Time: | 01:48 pm | | Current Mood: | procrastinatory |
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| this week's postsecret is great!. below is my list, numbered by entry from top to bottom.
liked: 5, 6, 9, 20, 21,
loved: 10 (email message), 22
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
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for breakfast i covered a tortilla with peanut butter and then put it in the toaster over for a couple of minutes. when it came out i put jam and honey on it and it was great. then i realized that i don't have any milk. it was a great moment.
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my paper is due on tuesday. it's only supposed to be 5-10 pages (i bow before lisa and heather and their inhumane page requirements). i have all day today and tomorrow to work on it. tomorrow though i need to also turn in my final (for a different class). i will also have most of tuesday, until about 2pm, to work on it. i think i'm procrastinating on it because i feel like i won't need all that time to pound it out. i hate when i think/realize that because then i really do put it off until the last few hours and it turns out like shit. i won't do that this time, nope nope nope. i'm going to seriously work on it today. look at me go... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | the steam coming out of my ears. | | Time: | 07:30 pm |
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| omg. today i lost brand new sunglasses AN HOUR after they had been purchased.
then i got shat on by a seagull.
what did i do in my past life? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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oldsmile's journal